How Couple time could benefit your Marriage

Written By Michelle LaSart

*This post may contain affiliate links from which I may earn a commission.

Over our marriage preparation retreat, Andrew and I received a tool that has been such a gift in our marriage. It has deepened our communication, added peace and order to our lives, and helped us prioritize what really matters to us. This tool is a format for a weekly meeting (or biweekly or monthly, if we’re being honest). This is NOT meant to replace date night - we need those, too - rather it’s an opportunity to communicate, schedule, create goals, and get business done. That doesn’t mean it HAS to be boring. In fact, I look forward to it! Have a fun snack, go to a coffee shop, or sit on the porch. You can call it your business meeting, scheduling night, or simply, “couple time,” as it was introduced to us. Today I’ll be sharing with you: 

  • the format that we use for couple time

  • benefits of couple time

  • challenges to couple time - and how to overcome them

Couple Time format

Here is the basic structure of our couple time night, and ideas for what you could cover under each category. It’s important to note that you may cover some items organically throughout the week. That’s great! If you just had a good heart-to-heart over the weekend, you might only take 2 seconds on the personal or relationship categories. This blog post is simply meant to be inspiration for what could help you as a couple, not a checklist you have to complete.

Opening Prayer

This can be as simple as an Our Father, a brief time or intentions, or perhaps you even want to take the time to pray particularly for one another (Especially in thanksgiving!)

Affirmations

What have you been appreciating about your spouse lately? Is there a virtue he's been exemplifying, a goal you’ve seen him achieve, or simply a part of his personality that you’ve been delighting in? As a words of affirmation girl, this is probably why I love Couple Time so much! I know that I will have my husband sit across from me and tell me what he appreciates me and how he’s seen me grow - I feel sooo loved. Even if words of affirmation are not your primary love language, this exercise is still such a good opportunity to reflect on the positive qualities of your spouse and build one another up. 

Personal Life Updates

We take turns sharing basically whatever we haven’t gotten to talk to one another about. If you’re unsure what to say beyond how your day went, here are a few aspects of life you could share with your spouse:

  • How your prayer life is going

  • Any mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual struggles you’ve been facing (This is a great time to take note of specific ways to pray for your spouse)

  • Goals that you’re working towards

  • Any hopes and dreams for the next days, weeks, months, years… 

Relationship

Here is an opportunity to communicate specifically about your relationship as a married couple. Was there anything that happened earlier in the week that you never apologized for, and could do that now? Is there something he did that hurt your feelings that you need to talk about? Basically, clear the air on any misunderstandings or hurts. 

Other topics you could cover are: 

  • Ways you’d like to grow as a couple

  • Ways you can love one another better

  • your sexual intimacy

  • How you’re connecting Intellectually, spiritually, physically, emotionally, or creatively

  • Planning your next date night

Parenting

If you have kids, this is a great time to work through how you want to handle specific situations on a united front. Perhaps you could read a parenting article you liked, or watch a short video you found helpful. 

Schedule

Pull out your calendars (doing your best to not get distracted with other things on your phone in the meantime) and discuss any important events coming up in the next days and weeks. This is also a great time to schedule things like date nights, your next couple time, projects, and personal time - the things that fall to the wayside unless they are planned for. 

Household

Discuss household chores, projects that need to be done, items that need buying, etc. 

Budget*

I put an asterisk next to this one because doing a monthly budget review probably requires its own, separate block of time. However, if you’ve got a budgeting spreadsheet or app (We like Monarch) then you can just take a few minutes to look at that together, and discuss any out-of-the-ordinary expenses that may come up in the next week. 

For 50% off of your first year of Monarch budgeting app, click HERE.

Closing Prayer

This can be as simple as a Glory Be, or you could intercede for your spouse, offer to God the things that you need to discern, or any difficult topics that came up during your discussion. 

Benefits of Couple Time

Now that you know what Couple Time looks like, I wanted to share some ways that it’s truly blessed our marriage. We have gone through many different seasons with this practice. Some phases we’ve been consistent for several weeks, other times we’ve fallen out of practice for months. We are just coming into a season where we are prioritizing Couple Time again. Amongst lots of travel, then sickness, we fell out of the habit. We were feeling a sad lack of order in our lives, and like we had no time to do the things we really wanted, yet we were wasting downtime on our phones because we didn’t have a clear purpose for that time.

Then, we met for Couple Time again, and our time is being used SO much more purposefully. For example, I scheduled the time to write this post! My dear husband caught up on some laundry. We are no longer suffering from decision fatigue on what to do with our time. While the point isn’t to strictly plan out each moment of our lives, we are actually a lot freer when we have a basic plan. If I know Tuesday evening is set aside for individual recreation, I can look forward to working on a project, rather than discovering that we both needed alone time, but just end up on our phones without really feel refreshed. 

Other than organizing our lives, Couple Time has also been such a helpful tool in our communication. I can be a bit of a conflict avoider, so having a set-aside space to bring up any issues is very good for me. No more avoiding the tough topics! That doesn’t mean we save every relational issue up to talk about all at once. Some things need to be addressed right away. However, some annoyances, thoughtless words, and miscommunications might not matter a week hence. If they still do matter to you, that’s a good sign it’s worth talking about. 

Overcoming Challenges

In speaking with many of my married friends about the concept of Couple Time, the wives are usually a bit more excited about the idea than the husbands. There are exceptions, I’m sure; but I’m here to tell you that if your husband isn’t as excited about Couple Time as you are, that’s normal. AND it can still totally benefit your marriage. 

I used to get discouraged because I was often the one to initiate Couple Time. I wanted us to put equal effort into the relationship, yet my husband was seldom suggesting it as our evening pastime. Then, through conversations with several other married women, I realized lots of really good husbands don’t have as much to say about their relationship as their wives do. The reason this is so normal is that women are, by nature, more relationally motivated. If your husband would rather wind down with your favorite show than spend an evening talking about your relationship, it’s not because he cares about your relationship any less than you. He just might rather do a thing that is part of your relationship than talk about the relationship. 

Does this mean that Couple Time is just a favor your husband is doing for you while he’d rather be doing something else? Of course not! Couple time benefits both parties, and the entire family, because it provides the opportunity to communicate on a wide range of really important topics that affect you both very much. Relational motivation is a beautiful gift of the feminine genius that compliments and blesses your spouse. 

Over time, we’ve learned to understand one another’s perspectives on Couple Time.  Sometimes my husband would rather recreate, but is truly grateful for the effort I put into prioritizing our relationship. Furthermore, although he doesn’t always look forward to it in the same way I do, he has expressed that he feels glad to have done it after the fact. 

Some things that have made couple time a lot more enjoyable and successful are: 

  • NOT springing it last-minute! (It took me a while to learn that one). 

  • Choosing a set day and time each week (or biweekly to start) OR

  • Scheduling the next couple time during the scheduling portion of couple time

Another difficulty you may be facing is just very little free time in the evenings. Perhaps you have a hard-to-settle little one. Could you make a weekend during naptime work instead? If turning on a movie for the kids or getting a babysitter every once in a while makes communicating with your spouse happen, it’s worth it. 

What is one category in the Couple Time format that stood out to you most? Whether you want to try adding affirmations to your weekly routine, or would like to shoot for a meeting with the whole couple time format, take a minute and read through this post with your spouse. May God abundantly bless your marriage!

Michelle LaSart